Like the pages torn out of a diary, I have purposely avoided adding entries for the last month in a bid to avoid documenting my losses and lack of victories…
Christmas has come and gone but, like a dark cloud hanging over my head, I’m still trying to overcome the feeling that I’ve let myself down in maintaining my clean eating and training.
It’s become an obsession: I don’t feel like I’m spending enough time training even though I’m lurking at the gym 6 out of 7 days.
Dismayed with my seemingly unchanged body, what’s the point of documenting my increasing fat ratio and ever expanding belly if all I’ve transformed into after my 12 week training challenge is a fat caterpillar (as opposed to a beautiful 6-pack butterfly)?!
I look at my fit girlfriends with envy as they stay slim and toned, their mid sections tight and exposed with pride. Looking down at my less then desirable protruding love handles, I fight the onslaught of demons poisoning my mind with negative self-talk.
There have been days I wake up and feel in shape and slim and there have been more than a few days where I roll out of bed and grimace at the softer reflection in the mirror.
Is this how eating disorders start?
I never thought I had bad self-image issues and I’m monitoring this feeling closely with my trainer to ensure that it doesn’t slip into something more sinister.
This “sport” is more than a challenge to the body- it’s a mind game too.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not starving myself. In fact, my diet will remain unchanged at high protein low carb throughout the rest of the process. I’m still eating more than I have ever eaten and collecting an alarming number of Paleo recipes to creatively inject protein into my carnivorousness diet!
I’ve just entered the next 12 week period and this time it’ll take me up to competition in March. Exercises are still segmented, however the focus is the movement and count instead of just getting from point A to point B.
My world now has an increased emphasis on numbers, and these numbers are only there to paint a rhythm: 25 reps, 4 sets, 20 kgs, 3 seconds down, 1 second up. 45 seconds at 120, 30 seconds at 180…the only number that doesn’t serve a purpose is the number that shows up on the scale during weigh in time. 51.
What does that even mean anyway? That number will soon shrink in the coming weeks, as my kick-ass PT has warned of an intense cardio-incorporated regime as of next week.
I say bring it. This caterpillar is ready break out of its’ soft cocoon and transform into a butterfly! Mmmm butter…haha 😉
As a foreword, I want to send a big shout out to my fellow blog-stalkers for your emails of concerns sparked by my impromptu disappearance. Thank you for all your encouragement and support- I can assure you that your words did not fall on deaf ears!