The office kitchen has become a war zone, and I’m not talking about battles with chocolate brownies or cupcakes!
No no, this is far more amusing and the injustice far harder to choke.
This morning I was marched into the bosses’ office because there has been a complaint made against me. What? Why?! My mind raced over the details from last week and I kept coming up with a blank. Who on earth could I have possibly pissed off?
“Sit down,” My boss gestures the empty chair and I tentatively obliged. My eyes darted around his desk, searching for any clues to what news he was about to deliver. “So?” I asked quizzingly, “What did I do?”
My boss lets out a smile and leans forward. “I don’t know how to put this to you,” he begins gently, “But we’ve received a complaint about you from colleagues on the other side of the floor. Apparently, they don’t like you cooking up a storm in the kitchen and have been deeply offended by the smell emitting from your food.”
Are you serious?
I let out a bewildered laugh. “First they throw out my food and steal my crockery, now they’re COMPLAINING?!”
Jeepers, I’m sorry if my healthy food choices and lack of take-out is offending everyone! I don’t complain when they leave the dishes in the sink and I voluntarily wash them.
Hell, I don’t even complain every time the dish washer is done and I’m the poor sucker that has to unload all the items. And don’t even get me started on the sticky, sickly sweet powder residue left behind on the counter as these Celebrity Slim guzzlers mindlessly load their pink shakers.
When did heating up my food in the communal kitchen become so offensive?
Obviously, someone is out to get me and my seafood, and they aren’t afraid to play dirty. First they throw out my food, then they steal my crockery. If I didn’t know it, these bully tactics are signs of a brutal warfare!
I line up the suspects in my head and scout who the food Nazi could possibly be- is it the grouchy blonde woman who sneered at my ability to graciously turn down cake the last time it was offered to me? Or is it the portly receptionist that keeps throwing condescending glances at me while she shakes up a Celebrity Slim storm?
Unfortunately, my lack of familiarity with their department means I cannot ascertain the identity of the culprit, however I have unleashed my plan of attack in full force…
Operation: Hot Cross Bun commencing at 1300 HRS
Nothing could have shown my appreciation more than offering a nice double choc dose of sugar and carbs for afternoon tea!
Resistance is futile, so eat up fatties because no one can save you now (not even your silly little fad-protein shakers).
From the fish-breathed two headed monster,
- Office Thief (skinnyfatsky.wordpress.com)
- 10 rules for communal kitchen etiquette (studentbeans.com)