Okay, I’ve done it a few times, but last Wednesday was the cream in the full-fat pie…
I cried like a bitch at my training session with Ben
All I remembered was that I haven’t felt so mentally screwed for a while- the body was willing, but the mind was telling me to bugger off.
Lack of sleep, missing my food and working to death during the day and night, I basically cracked and bitched out.
Ugh, the embarrassment…
Don’t get me wrong- Ben isn’t uncaring or anything. In fact, I think he cares about my progress and maximizing my potential more than me sometimes. The truth is that I pay Ben not to baby me but to PUSH me, and being less than a week out from my next competition he was concerned I was looking too flat and ripped into me for not following his instructions to re-carbing the night before. I swear I didn’t even hear his instructions…I’m guessing my brain is beyond auto-pilot brain at the moment because thinking straight has not been my forte for since the beginning of the week!
So there I was, a emotional wreck, trying to hold it together as I constantly cleared my throat to choke back the tears burning down my cheeks.
Thank god the gym wasn’t full that morning, but all the same I wanted some one to slap me and tell me to suck it up. Stop being a wuss and deal with it.
Training was cut short and I was ordered to get a hearty serving of brown rice. I felt defeated.
Moments like these, I hate feeling so weak and vulnerable. I know I can do this, and I know it’s hard. I need to be able to lock out my emotions and clear my head space on command. Maybe it’s time to tap into some meditation classes to get some tips from some spiritual leaders…what do you think?
So yeah, now every time I see one of those cheesy motivational quotes floating around Google, I understand.
They haven’t just been written up by some smart willy nilly some where to earn an extra bang for their buck- they actually have a elements of truth and a voice of wisdom. Pffft for all I know, they’ve been pieced together by some pimply teenager playing World of Warcraft, but until then I understand!
Without dragging my feet over what has happened, I am determined to get up, dust myself off and go harder for the final stretch.
I can do this, even if it kills me. Challenges come along all the time in life and this one is no exception- I can either let it break me or I can let it strengthen me.
After all, I have been blessed with an abundance of support and the backing of a trusted friend and coach. No more excuses!
4 days to go and I’m still drowning in work and busting my chops freakin’ out over my 90 second routine, but I’ll be damned if I throw it all in and give up now.
Watch out people, crazy woman now on a roll!
- Why? Why Not? (skinnyfatsky.wordpress.com)
- Playing with the Big Boys (skinnyfatsky.wordpress.com)
- Is Crying Healthy? (everydayhealth.com)